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We’re obviously big fans of our pal Danger Guerrero around these parts — anyone who suggests a pineapple in a top hat would be a better commissioner than Roger Goodell is some sort of demented genius, which means we take no pleasure in taking him to task for his horrific ranking of months of the Gregorian calendar over on the Uproxx main page.
Danger ranked the calendar as so:
1. May
2. June
3. September
4. April
5. July
6. August
7. March
8. November/December (tie)
10. October
11. January
12. February
Obviously this is some sort of joke post meant to get lots of clicks — as I said, it’s up on the Uproxx main page, motto: BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ — because the best months of the year on the list don’t have a single football game between the two of them. If we look even further, in the top seven months of the Danger Guerrero Year only one of them includes football, September, and I think we can all agree that early-season football is some of the least enjoyable football of the calendar.
Here is how the calendar should be ranked:
1) January: Sure, it’s cold and miserable outside, but it’s warm and toasty in front of the television as you watch all Wild Card, Divisional Championships and Conference Championship games. Going to have to brave the outdoors and actually watch those games in person? You feel no cold because you’re so goddamn lucky to be at a playoff game and if you are cold, well shut up about it because you’re at a playoff game. Still cold? Hot toddies, hot cocoa, hot grill and a fifth of Jameson and you’ll be just fine. And look! You’ve actually reached the college bowl games that matter.
2) December: The last push for the playoffs, the beginning of college bowl season, fantasy football playoffs. Also holiday parties, eating and drinking without abandon because who can see what you look like under a bulky sweaters.
3) November: Where team seasons either turn it around for a December push or die on the vine, freeing you to start to watch other games that might be more interesting than your rooting interest come December. Drunken Turkey Bowl games played in backyards across America. Football on TV saving you from having to talk about ISIS with your Uncle Howard at any point during Thanksgiving dinner. The Derek Jeter retirement tour is no longer in the news.
4) September: The start of the football season. Warm weather, cool nights, every team still has a shot at the playoffs. Your fantasy football team has not yet had time to drop six games in a row so you’re feeling pretty good about yourself as a fan and as a human being.
5) October: The grind of the football season. You’ve seen enough of your team in September to see the systematic problems that are going to haunt your team in November and December if they don’t get their act together and fix that goddamn offensive line already jesus christ on a stick already all you needed to do was get a first down. Your fantasy team has now had time to drop six games in a row, so you may be feeling a bit icky about football. Upside? By now you have lost track of players and former-players who were arrested back February. Sharper who?
6) February: It has been eleven years since we’ve last had a Super Bowl in January, so February gets a bump up to the middle of the pack since it now has one lone game on its slate. (Although had the Pro Bowl stayed in its original post-Super Bowl slot, there is a good chance it would have bogged down February enough it would have sunk down deeper on the list to somewhere closer to May.)
7) August: You have to go back to August 31, 1997 to find the last time the NFL season started in August. Still, on the off-chance it happens again, August gets the seventh slot despite generally being football-free.
12) (tie) March, April, May, June, July: No football.
